Build a better relationship with money

Building a better relationship with money

Many people pride themselves on being disciplined with money − balancing income, expenses and regularly saving. But what happens when this discipline slowly erodes, not because of external financial pressures, but due to subtle, internal justifications?

In this episode of Everything Counts, host Motheo Khoaripe explores the roots of money behaviour with Professor Charlene Lew and discusses its impact on financial decisions with Investec financial adviser Khomotso Motloung.

The slippery slope of self-borrowing

This episode highlights a widespread problem − borrowing from your future self. It typically begins with a small “once-off” withdrawal from savings, justified by the conviction that things will be different next month. However, as Motloung explains, once the behaviour becomes normalised, it creates a pattern that can be hard to break. Without changing income or expenses, this kind of self-lending signals deeper psychological patterns at play.

The roots of money behaviours

According to Professor Lew, our relationship with money is shaped by a range of psychological needs. These include the need for security, freedom, love or power. Money becomes a medium through which these needs are expressed. Some people hoard money to feel secure, others spend freely to enjoy life or express affection.

Our financial behaviours are further shaped by early life experiences. Motloung points out that upbringing, cultural norms and family dynamics can instill either a scarcity mindset or a completely relaxed approach to finances. If someone grew up in a household where money was tight, they may carry forward a subconscious fear of lack − either clinging to money excessively or overcompensating through impulsive spending once they have disposable income.

Professor Lew adds that in a country like South Africa, many people experience upward social mobility, moving from scarcity to relative abundance. This shift often triggers conflicting behaviours − spending to make up for past deprivation or hoarding to avoid repeating it.

Societal pressures and emotional spending

Social norms heavily influence how people spend. Individuals often mimic the money behaviours of their peers or try to meet perceived expectations from their social circles. If everyone around you is wearing expensive brands or enjoying lavish experiences, there’s pressure to keep up − even if it means dipping into savings.

Emotionally, money can also act as a tool for self-reward or identity. Buying something indulgent may feel like a treat after a rough week, but over time, this emotional spending can erode long-term goals.

When discomfort turns to distress

Financial discomfort can creep in slowly, often unnoticed until it causes anxiety or distress. Motloung notes that when people feel out of control with money, it leads to irrational decisions − like cancelling insurance or abandoning investment plans at the first sign of financial strain.

Professor Lew emphasises that this discomfort can escalate into emotional pain, affecting self-image, relationships, and even job performance. People may feel overwhelmed and trapped, increasing the likelihood of making further poor financial decisions in an attempt to alleviate their stress.

The power of vision

The most impactful takeaway? Create a vision that excites and motivates you. Professor Lew advises placing a strong visual representation of your financial goal where you see it daily − on your fridge, desk or even your mobile phone’s wallpaper. This serves as a constant reminder of why you’re choosing discipline over impulse.